What I would say to someone like me.
I know sometimes you get tired and that your room gets messy and you don’t want to make the effort to cook or eat. And I know sometimes you don’t feel good enough or maybe that you are in the way of everyone else. Sometimes the light goes out and you forget what you are doing here - or you forget that you never had it figured out to begin with. It might feel like you are all alone, and maybe it’s true. Maybe you haven’t showered in a few days and laundry is overdue and the dust is building up around your television. Maybe people aren’t answering their phones or responding to your text messages and you forget that everyone, including yourself, will do that sometimes.
While others are seemingly in bliss and look more content than you’ve ever felt, you might look down and leave yourself to replay your whole life and wonder why everything happened to you. And you might feel jealous of those who never really had to experience trauma, neglect and abuse in various forms at all. You’ll want to abandon all your problems during a night out with you friends, drinking, laughing and making new memories, but you aren’t emotionally capable. It might feel like people would never believe the things you’ve faced because you can hardly believe it yourself. It all keeps piling up. After loving so many things, so many times on a one-way street, you might wonder when its your turn to feel loved to a point of feeling overwhelmed and overjoyed - that’s all you ever wanted.
Remembering the past might seem more painful than the times when you were actually living in those terrifying moments. You might be slow to think or too quick to react in the situations you face today. You’ll make mistakes, make an ass of yourself and maybe make some rash decisions that cannot be changed. And worst of all, when the good moments do come, the ones that are too good to be true, you will disassociate yourself from the situation to feel nothing at all. You will miss these moments forever because you put your mind somewhere else. It doesn’t feel like you deserve what feels right and safe because you were never taught to feel right and to feel safe. It might feel like everyone is going to harm you, even when they are just trying to love you. Those people might turn their back on you because you are too hard to love and you won’t be able to blame them.
I could only hope that I was going somewhere inspiring with this message to myself, but the truth is, I am not. Life is little, but Its hard, and it gets very lonely. I want to give up so bad in certain moments and even more so when I need a loving embrace from someone who knows me, but it doesn’t exist or isn’t possible at that time. But somehow, I always ride it out. I don’t know whats keeping me here, but its something. I keep going and more times than not, I eventually feel like it was worth staying. I wouldn’t have felt the water between the sand and my toes nor would I have made my dog happy or watched the sun fall to the ocean today if I didn’t stay and I guess that’s kind of worth it.
Maybe I was not born into this world to be loved, but to give love and to take care of the things I know how to take care of. It might be easier if I let go of the expectation that one day I will get all the love that I put out in return. I should let go of the idea that I will forget my childhood as it happened so that I can let go and stop fearing life itself. Maybe I will never have a day where I am in the present moment and maybe I will never feel his loving arms forgive all the things that I could not. I always thought someone would save me, because no matter how hard I have tried, I can’t save myself.
The only thing I know to say right now is that you have to keep loving yourself. Keep watering your plants and smile as they grow with you. Keep the animals happy. Do your laundry and stop throwing your clothes on the cat scratcher. When you put your favorite movie in, go there and forget everything else for awhile. Stop staring at your bedroom walls and go for another walk, even if its the tenth one today. Keep moving and doing what you desire to do. And when you get exhausted, take a breath, remember how much you love yourself, but know its okay to cry and know you are going to feel extremely alone at times. Know that you can’t change how unkind and unloving some people can or can’t be and that there’s a high possibility that you will never be able to share your life story with someone, start to finish without them abandoning you. Its more important to have yourself anyway. And the sooner you throw away the expectation of someone loving you, the more you might appreciate if someone happens to, even if only temporary.
Once you let go of the concept that eternal happiness is a destination you have to reach at some point in your life, you might feel that much closer to feeling alive again. Life hurts like hell but it also has its good moments, always remember that. Fight away the hurt with the good memories you do have and fight even harder by making new ones. You’re going to be okay, I promise.