All of the memories/things I will suffer through without you until just the right amount of time passes:

• Blunt walks
• You calling my animals by the nicknames you gave them 
• Sushi dates
• My daily walk without you
• Waking up mid sleep and forgetting you’re not here and remembering you’ll never will be again
• Your warmth
• Your comfort
• How unsafe I feel without you at my side
• The way you’d stare into my eyes
• “I love you”
• My bed smelling like you
• Knowing Alvo will wonder where you went
• How fun running errands together was with you and how they’ll feel different now
• Walmart runs
• Cooking you dinner from the bottom of my heart
• The ocean waves 
• The dog beach
• People asking me how we’re doing without realizing it’s over
• People asking what happened
• Images in my head of the pictures in your mind 
• Your lack of self-control
• The nicknames you gave me: pineapple babygurl, babygurl, babe, baby….
• Your voice
• Your hair
• You naked
• Us making love
• All the lies you told me, all of the deceit - your selfishness
• Spooning you
• The stupid fucking teddy bear you got me
• The belongings you left behind
• Your smell
• Your trash that’s still fresh in the trash can
• Forgetting you’re not just a room away or a foot apart from me
• Knowing you’re so good at pretending that you’ll be okay
• So much left unsaid
• Your T-shirts and hoodies
• Vacuuming the car and putting on the new car seat covers you bought me tomorrow - why is that going to be so hard?
• Random rivers down my face
• The nausea
• Random flashbacks of you
• Pictures of us
• How you pretending to be a sloth, my baby sloth
• Wondering if this is a bad dream
• Hating that I forgave you the first time you did me wrong
• Regretting that I met you
• Wishing you didn’t fucking do this to US
• Music, songs, lyrics
• Thinking about how my heart was 100% with you and you cheating on me NEVER crossing my mind as a REAL possibility. 
• All the trust and freedom I gave you
• You controlling me 
• Questioning every guy I talk to 
• Convincing me you didn’t talk to certain girls anymore
• Thinking that you actually loved me the entire time
• The weed you left me to smoke
• Smoking alone 
• Turning over and having an empty space
• Not having sex for a long long time
• Thinking about you having sex with other people
• Your dumb logics
• “Where’s your cups meter?” 
• The way you sucked at holding my hand
• The way you constantly held my hand in public
• Going public places alone, which is going to be the most difficult to get used to
• Thinking about how I lost myself in you
• Warped Tour
• Austin, Justin, Alco…
• Adjusting to being alone every night again
• Knowing I’ll be single for years
• Possibly facing major trust issues in the future
• The text you just sent me
• Unable to resist venting on the stupid internet
• Knowing you’ll read this
• Thinking about the day you realize you’ve moved passed this
• You getting over me
• Possibly seeing you around
• Losing all the friends I made through you
• Wishing I had gone with my gut…sooner
• Our stupid fucking fights
• Being fully convinced I was in love with you and thinking I would share my future with you
• Feeling so deceived
• My swollen watery eyes and red face when I look in the mirror 
• The way my eyes turn green when I cry this much
• Finding old love letters from old girlfriends inside the stuff you left behind
• Riding my bike without you
• Feeling like I never even want to have sex or even kiss someone again
• Feeling defeated
• Losing my best friend; you
• All the personal things you know about me; all my secrets
• Feeling so exposed and violated thinking about how I had NO idea this entire time
• Writing this long list because it hurts and feels good at the same time
• Watching netflix without you
• Watching movies without you
• No more texts to get me through the day
• Falling out of love
• The way my tears taste and smell, my running nose
• Wishing you didn’t fucking fuck this up
• Regretting it all FOR YOU
• Wanting to scream my head off 
• My cry going from silent, to weeping to hysterical and stop- repeat. 
• Imagining work tomorrow
• The simple thought of you
• Your name being so common
• All the support I gave you
• All the support you gave me
• Having to put my ear drops in my ear instead of having you help me, and feeling so loved as you took care of me
• The band
• Chucky Jon
• China town
• The metro
• Long Beach
• Jerry’s house
• Staying in bed all day with you when we first met
• Still knowing just how your lips feel on mine
• Thinking about the sex we had
• Thinking about how I was alone in this
• Feeling like a fool
• Spending our weekend mornings at the swapmeet
• You allowing me to drag you window shopping 
• Thrift stores
• Feeling like half of me is missing and the other half is just dead
• Seeing your name
• Picturing you doing amazing things without me
• Imagining the next time you get drunk and behave the same way you have while on tour, and imagining you sending those texts to girls
• The way you named in them in your phone with their first name followed by the state your from
• You’re a living Quagmire 
• Remembering the first time you hurt me
• Remembering the second time you hurt me
• Topping it off at a third time hurting me
• Flip flops
• Your nasty feet and the pedegg you left behind with your dead skin flakes in it
• High memories
• Popsicles
• The ugly faces you’d make
• Remembering how you told me how god damn beautiful you thought I was multiple times a day
• Getting annoyed at how many times you’d tell me you loved me per hour
• Murdy Park, the portal
• The weed jar I made for you that you left behind but is too good to throw out
• Driving the streets I drove with you by my side
• The chino hills spectrum shopping center
• Riding on a bus and being in a bunk for the first time
• Holding you so close 
• The times you’d talk me out of being sad
• Thinking about how I gave you my heart and having you just tore it apart
• That voice you make when you sing
• The ugly fucking faces I made at you and having you yell “YOU’RE STILL PRETTAY!”
• How my name turned into “Babe”
• Going to see the Lion King 3-D without you
• My now emptier closet
• The new empty spaces in my room
• Not having your comfort as I go through this financial strut 
• Being so upset that I’m shaking
• &
• Big Lots without you
• Cherry on Top without you
• The food I bought for you 
• Your obsession with cheese
• Probably thinking about you when I see orange colored cheese, forever
• The thoughts that ran through my mind when I thought you got me pregnant
• The times you ignored my sadness
• The times I ignored your sadness in spite
• my 4th of July
• Your obsession with Hanson and how I secretly thought it was cute while Mmmbop coincidentally plays on the TV show I’m watching right now
• Thinking about how I secretly wanted to impress you all the time
• Never waking up to your face again
• Never holding your hand again
• Never touching you again
• Not having someone poke my butt and talk about it all the time
• Probably not hearing “Your beautiful” as often for a long long time; you gave me more confidence in myself, you reminded me I was pretty because I always kind of forgot
• The Angel’s game
• How you were there for me during the crazy pain I went through with my ear infection
• How long this fucking list is and how I should end it soon but can’t
• How it was too little too late
• Thinking about you committing to me when you weren’t committed at all
• One huge fucking lie
• A waste of time
• Missing you when I shouldn’t 
• My lava lamp
• Never getting to go to Joe’s sushi with you
• Forcing myself to stay strong
• Seeing the text messages you sent
• Imaging each scenario 
• Stoney feathers
• The necklaces you bought me
• Venice beach
• The walk we took in San Diego
• My spoiled appetite
• Bawling my eyes out just a moment ago while throwing away your empty mouthwash bottle 
• Thinking about the last argument we got in
• Wishing it were different
• The helpless feeling in knowing time machines are make believe 
• 11:11
• The way you talk to my animals
• When you say “Alvo”
• Watching you walk your belongings out to the van and leaving this morning forever
• Being pissed that I don’t even hate you for this
• Imagining my life without you
• The stains on my sheets
• Dreaming about you
• Coming home to an empty house
• Opening the garage myself
• How much I secretly loved your legs
• How yesterday was just so fucked
• Struggling to remember time really does heal the pain
• Experiencing heartbreak for the first time in years
• Not even being able to imagine the next time I allow myself to have real feelings for someone
• Wondering if I made a big enough impact in your life like you did mine
• The day I met you
• The second day I saw you
• Remembering what it was like to not know you so well
• Remembering the first time I met Austin and how he made me cry
• You telling me you liked that I expressed my emotions so much the first time I cried in front of you
• The drunk memories at Jerry’s
• Your missing 6th toes
• Hearing the “I told you so’s”
• Being cold at night
• Never holding you again
• Forgiving but never forgetting
• Never forgetting you
• Me talking about you by habit in the future to other’s because something reminds me of you
• Everything reminding me of you
• The dumb things I got mad at you for 
• How our relationship straight fucking died in one day
• Your strands of hair in the bathroom
• Missing the patterns of the freckles on your face
• Your beautiful eyes
• Your awkward smile
• How I was always to intimidated to look into your eyes because you stared so deep into mine
• How every time I get a text, I think it’s from you, by default
• the Long Beach pike
• The Rasta cruise
• Knowing I’ll never go to Catalina without you
• Your birthday 
• Wondering why you couldn’t be as loyal to me as you were your friends
• Kitchen punisher
• My ugly dance
• Never being able to baby you again
• Remembering how amazing you are at your job
• Realizing Kelly should have been the LEAST of my worries
• Dog walks alone
• Silence
• Somehow feeling drunk after crying so much
• Wishing I had someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay just to make me feel better as I fell asleep tonight
• Not having my hair played with anymore
• Not having someone take my bra off for me when I accidently fall asleep with it on
• Remembering when you peed in my room when you were drunk
• LAX
• Your Carl’s Junior
• You opening ketchup packets for me
• Catching you stare at me all the time
• The way you’d make me stop what I’m doing for a couple moments of affection
• Being fooled into thinking you would never in a million years do this to us
• All the guilt you put on me because you were avoiding your own
• How I loved how tall you are
• Your skin color
• Your bib tan line
• How happy I was the day you got home from Warped Tour
• How I was so excited to go with you the first time on Warped Tour that I didn’t sleep the night before and was too embarrassed to share that with you and how mean you were once I got there
• The pair underwear that got mixed in my laundry basket
• Chocolate pudding pie
• Fudge bars
• Getting some kind of satisfaction when you had a sweet tooth at the same time as me
• How much it hurt to see you call another girl darling because it made me feel so special when you said it to me
• How I’m just pouring my heart out on the internet
• Accepting that I will never make new memories with you
• Remembering the first time I got jealous over you and how mad it made you
• Thinking about how mad I made you sometimes in general
• Thinking about how mad you made me
• You telling me you were madly in love with me
• Crying and crying…
• Being such a cliche’ because I’ve just got so fucked over and it hurts, unable to contain myself
• Thinking I fell in love for the first time and wondering why it was ever with you 
• It’s 11:11 right now
• I feel a little bit insane
• The fact that I could give a shit what anyone thinks about this post
• How heavy my eyes are yet knowing I won’t sleep through the night
• Sadness consuming me 
• The word “alone” turns my stomach
• I am now single
• How repulsed I will feel the next time I get hit on
• Linking my entire summer to you
• Grocery shopping alone
• Smoking hookah without you
• Spilling my heart out about how hurt I am every chance I get because I can’t help it
• How did we get so far so fast?
• Iguana Kelly’s
• Knowing I had to have you the day I met you
• Knowing you’ve done this to so many girls and realizing I was just the next victim
• Hating that you’ll heal too over time
• The night we spent together with Jerry and the first time I met Geanne 
• Going to the DMV alone
• Feeling like you’re a ghost
• The thought of never talking to you again
• How I failed to get you into Wilfred as much as I am
• 5 hour energy shots
• Washing you in the shower 
• ampm and 711
• Gas station coffee
• French toast

I’m literally forcing myself to stop. This is what heartbreak does to me. I am so devastated beyond belief. Cheated on to the max. Fucked over the worst ever. And dealing with the fact that I woke up one day loving you with all my heart and waking up tomorrow without you. See you walk out the front door for the very last time. Our last hug and kiss. And absolutely hating the fact that you have destroyed me, for now. I imagine my heart as a gaping open wound, and it fucking feels like nothing but pain. PURE raw pain and short breaths followed by gasps of air. Our movie looping over and over inside my brain. My broken broken heart. Learning to fall out of love with you. Getting rid of you little by little. I will get past this. I couldn’t wish this feeling even on you. Is this a fucking nightmare? I feel like you’ve died out of my life.

Devastated and embracing for my struggle to find comfort and sleep tonight. The fresh wound and you at the tip of my brain and tongue every waking moment. Not being able to escape this feeling in dreams or reality. Wishing I felt angry instead of sad. And I’m stuck here alone in my bed, face full of tears thinking about how you would be the person I would run to in such despair but this time you’re the one who caused it. Complete and utter betrayal.

“I’ll never get over you getting over me.”